Unreasonableness

I don’t know why but i have a pattern when it comes to men in my life. This concerns me and hence, i have sworn off men for sometime now. Having said that, recently i relapsed. Not completely. It’s in the grey area.

However, this relapse has made me loose my moral high ground. Although, i cannot claim relationship rights, i am unable to enforce friendship norms either. I do not want to distance myself as currently, you can say “he” is my only friend that am in touch with….

In short am in a pickle. Specifically, morally i cannot justify the anger i feel and i cant help feel what i feel

Am i not already  too old for this teenage drama ??

Inane confessions

— I secretly read a newsletter that my friend posts weekly but i never comment on it.

— Although i am happy to have removed few people from my life, i find myself wondering, if they think about me & what.

— i am lonely to the point that i am considering going on a tinder date

— i havent smsed anyone in years & phone conversation has been week ago. Whatsapp et al, even that, has been more than 15 days. This quietude is not by choice, it’s a habit I’ve developed this past year

— book reading has been an all time low. Don’t feel like reading anymore

Disclaimer: i am not sad… Just lethargic. Or may be it’s sign of our times… Communication is at all time low

It is interesting how my thought process has changed over the years. The outpouring of emotions has given way to measured response. The need for attention to quiet acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, i am still not a wall flower, but that need to declare to the world — this is me. My opinions, my ideas, my thoughts, i dont mind if i dont share it with anyone. I guess that’s majorly why, i dont feel the need to write as much as before. My story ideas too seem to have taken a much realistic but darker tone.

 

The other day, i envisioned a totally conformist society with extreme punishment with emphasis on accountability on everyone and little privacy. Government elected from the beaurocrats by customer satisfaction survey and crime of a person implicates ones family and locality & the local government. So everyone is motivated to do better & force others to be better.  And while I was fleshing up the details, i could imagine how suffocating this could be, so i came up these ideas

–> those naturally conformist stayed in the country & ppl who want to lead would go to other countries to join their government, a shadow government of sorts

–> this society is made only for 3 generations aka 300 years. Eventually things should dissolve

–> it probably would be a freewill community i.e, if you want to live in this country, you follow the rules.  You can leave anytime you like.

I can see how watching too many C dramas have affected my way of thinking!

 

But then i thought, it would be wonderful if someone would write stories based on this world.

 

I thought we can come up with interdimensional portals where people disappear overnight or how corruption destroys / defies this accountability checksum

Good people who support this totalitarian regime. It would be interesting to see someone defend this with rational arguments.

 

If you are wondering why don’t I write it, well, i am not that good with emotions anymore

Questions

Dear you,

Did you dream of me yesterday when you slept? Or may be you stayed up thinking about me. I did. Stay up thinking about you I mean.

The things I want to ask you uff! How many times in these last years did you think of me.?

What were your thoughts? I want to delve into each word you say. I want to touch that cheek of yours with the back of my hand just like I did so many years ago and ask how do you feel now? How did you feel then?

That movie that you liked so much, did you imagine me as the heroine or someone else?

If it was me, how would you respond, if I reached out and kissed you? Would I be able able to contain this tempestuous heart then?

I want to ask, where did you disappear when you ghosted me all those years ago.

And more importantly, did you really love me then? Or do you still love me for a bit? Just in that rainy moment, listening to your favourite song in my favourite car? Did you feel a miniscule of what I feel?

My love, where do I find the courage to ask all these and more?

So I sing along the music and look out of the window, in this rainy beautiful night.

Silently,

Abysmally yours,

Winnie

 

Hmm…

There’s a scream within me that wants to get out but dies before it reaches my lips. I try and hold it in but how do you hold tempest in a sigh?

There’s a dream lost in whirlwinds of time that wanted to find a way home but I woke up before it could. I try and sleep it out but how do you seek direction in a mirage?

 

 

Trust

Today I got to thinking about trust. How trust is the factor that keeps society going. If you don’t trust your family, it becomes useless. Actually the saying ‘ it takes a village to raise a child’ made me think about trust. The fact that we can no longer trust our neighbours or friends or relatives to care for our children, made me wonder if our society is unraveling. One can no longer assume that marriage is forever and friendships that are true are hard to come by.

Aren’t they foundation of our society?  May be thats over reaching and I am just too jaded with little trust to spare. 

 

Is it just me that feels that way?

Butterfly

When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, it has to struggle a lot to get strong wings.. if you help it transition, the wings would be too delicate and it can never fly..

For some reason this thought crossed my mind. If this is true for butterflies & birds and other animals, would it not be true for humans ?

And if it is applicable to humans too, have we become weak and malformed with all the mollycoddling society does today? Technology makes things easier at every step. I remember when I was a kid, I could add, subtract & multiply in my mind , yet now I need a calculator. To gain knowledge, one had to read a lot or depend on peers or elders. Today, at our finger tip, we have all the answers .  To meet a friend, one had to travel to their place. Today, we have so many options. From Facebook to Whatsapp, options galore.. it would follow that keeping in touch would be easier .. and yet, we are ill informed, struggling with maths & out of touch with most our friends. Could it be that like butterflies, our wings do not have the strength & as a society we are collapsing?

Should we then go back to simpler times ?