In ways that I cant explain cause I myself dont understand. I feel surge in my veins and sheer immobility all at the same time.
You affect me but I dont have words to verbalize even if I try to, many times.
Objectively, I dont find you any different from others that Ive met before or since. I dont see you with rose tinted eyes or anything. And yet, I know I’d cross mountains and seas if you ask of me. How ridiculous is that ! Even more ridiculous is my need to keep this from you.
Not letting you know that I shattered and have not been same ever since. That some days, I dont recognize myself and catch myself with thoughts that make me ashamed of myself. I am not that weak, emotional mess that I find myself to be.
I thought, despite everything, I can be friends but it is so fucking hard! But this need, to be close to you, far enough to not cause you any distress or harm, but close enough to be there or you, if you wish so, in any capacity. How absurd is that ?
And despite all, to act as if, everything is okay. That my heart doesnt break in thousand pieces.
Did you know that I didnt sleep all night, in anticipation of our meet and the following night, the whirlpool of emotions didnt let me sleep either. Three days hence, I am still putting myself together. When did I become the tragic heroine of yesteryear’s hindi movie ?
Oh the ways you affect me! When I touched your cheek, I wanted to touch you again but I couldnt let myself go down that rabbit hole. So I beamed at you mischievously and turned the conversation to inane topics. Oh the ebbs and flow of my achy breaky heart.
I can never let you know.
In so many ways you affect me.