Change is delightful. Change is scary. When change happens you can’t help being excited and anxious. Change makes you hopeful and yet when change happens there is nothing you can do but go along the tide and hope to find a shore. Change is very fickle that way… but there is nothing more certain than change!
Dear you ,
Sometimes I feel like a child and that you are my toy, nay, I am a scared dog and your are my unexpected juiciest chew. I poke at you, I run away… then slowly creep near and take a long lick. I cannot believe that you are still here after all this while. I am afraid to move my eyes away from you, lest someone steal you away.
Sometimes, it lingers at the edge of your consciousness. Before you can acknowledge its presence and react to it, it flits away. Like that gentle breeze on a sunny afternoon. A tiny relief and then intense heat that force you into inertia.
This curiosity is a curious thing. Sometimes you just cant help wondering about it.
Am in a mood for binge reading. I shall be updating the list of books that I read from now on.
1. The non existent knight by Italo Calvino: This is a book of absurdities. It talks about a non existent knight ( a ghost in armour) in a french army fighting against the Moslems and his squire , one who thinks he is everything and every one. There is also a love story between a-wet-behind-your-ears knight and an amazonian woman who was initially in love with the non existent knight.
As you can see from my description, its quite nonsensical and I dont know what to think of it. Would I suggest people to read it ? Probably as a curiosity. It is not long , so could be read in an hour or two.
2. Sleepwalkers guide to dancing by Mira Jacob: A delightful tale. I love the way it enfolds. It starts with a phone call between a mother and daughter. I’m sure most of us can relate to this. Past interspersed with present, refreshingly south indian and yet, quite integrated in American life style. I love the matter of fact way tragedy has been dealt with ( without romanticizing it in any way). A dash of humor, I guess after the main character , my favorite character would be the protagonist’s mom. Shes abrasive, blunt, practical, forceful and yet so sensitive. I have seen mothers’ like that. I myself can identify with it. Contradictorily, the mom also lives in denial. This dissonance makes her my favorite character. All in all, a must read if you love Indian dysfunctional families with poignant story and quite a few of nosy friends who make better friends than your family
Its been a long time since I wrote a “dear you” letter but then I hoped desperately that you’d never feature as “you” in dear you. Ironically, this is also my first letter to you. Today is very special for you. It is also the day when I am painfully aware that even in my imagination, there could no longer be “us” . Its been quite sometime since there has been no “us”. If I’m being honest, there was never “us” not really in your mind anyways.
I’ve spent months trying to understand what was on your mind.. or what wasnt. I have also accepted that its absurd to actually try to understand, coz hind sight rationalization is just that. It cannot really explain the inexplicable impulses that influence our actions. It took me a long time and I have finally understood the lesson that your presence and then your absence taught me. Thank you for that.
Thank you for coming into my life like you did. You changed the contours of my dream, you made them real. You blazed through my defenses and left me undone. It made me realize that some of the walls were unnecessary. It is not always easy to let people in and then let them stay. You were the only one I asked to stay. It really was heart wrenching to see you go but I have finally let you go.
So no hard feelings :)
I should probably send you this letter but I won’t. This was also part of the lesson that I learnt.
Not so much yours anymore,
I have a question to ask and I dont know whom to ask of it. Who is to blame in a relationship.. ( if you could call it one) if one of them don’t feel the magic. Is it the fault of the one who doesnt feel,… for not feeling it.. or the one who does feel it ? If it is magic.. how can the other one not feel it… and if it isnt, how pathetic is that the other one feels it ?
I have always known that I am in love with love itself more than the people I have been in love with. And that I paint the world larger than life when it happens to me. I also know that , given this trait, love doesnt always survive. It is too larger than life to be real. May be I prefer it that way coz.. to believe in love that can exist would mean.. I have to look for it and work on it and see it fade into something gray and I am a person of blacks and whites and the colors I use.. only in imagination.
So in the end.. did I ever feel the magic.. or did I just imagine it up ? And not knowing this answer scares me.
Some days, you really want to be eclipsed. Wouldnt it be wonderful to just escape from all that is and hide for a moment or two so that you could collect yourself before you face whatever it is that you have to face.
Some days, you simply have to deal with the fact that you are no sun ( or moon) *sigh*
Destination counts. Who ever says its all about traveling had nowhere to go to.
I have been fortunate to have a lot of interesting people in my life. They keep me entertained, challenge my perceptions and most often teach me humility.
Long conversations that span days
Witty ones that keep me smiling at odd times.
Short conversations that make me think..
But often I end up having interrupted conversations. Things left unsaid, for some reason or another. Thoughts left unexpressed may be because there isnt enough clarity or not enough time. These conversations are more dear to me. Its like that mysterious door I pass by but never enter.
If I ever finish that conversation, I would have nothing to look forward to!