I feel as if I love to live in a bubble.. A place where nothing but what you want affects you. I have amazing talent to block the unpleasantness in my life. Even when my mom died… the very next moment I was so collected that most of my friends thought may be I dont love my mom at all. Its not that the feelings are not there. Its just that to survive the feelings are to be repressed.
One doesnt have the luxury to get into hysterics when no one is there to hold you to appease you… When only thing that looms in front of you is survival …surprisingly tears dry lot faster
And you do what you got to do.. So I suppress my feelings.. shut the unpleasantness like it never exists.. for a moment I live like I have no care in the world… I make new world for myself which makes me feel secure until a small gust of wind.. a tiny imbalance breaks the surface tension.. and what remains is the truth.. in such times… all I wanna do is hide.. to escape I use fantasies.. that I keep weaving.. like a last thread.. a new one starts before the old one is even completed as if I am afraid to lose it…. And yet one day I stop… Reality bites?? I guess.. It chews!!
So then I am back to reality… only to find its lot worse than I let myself think.. and guilt sets in… for every moment I escaped… every moment I avoided facing it… But face I have to isnt it ?
Every time the bubble breaks… a part of my heart breaks.. and yet.. new dreamflowers bloom through the cracks.. Its time to live.. Things get better.. Its time to reflect… to feel happy… and yet… my saturnine nature sets in.. and I feel this unknown ache that I can never put a name put a reason to… I drift within myself.. somewhere deep down in search of that wounded part thats buried.. Its time to heal.. to shed those unshed tears… to feel sad.. to cry.. to purify ?
Once again you make a new bubble and the cycle follows…
My obsessive tendency is linked to this bubble phenomenon.. thats the reason… I have to be careful of what habits I cultivate.. I always do things obsessively.. If i like a game. I play obsessively.. A book once started cannot be stopped no matter what.. not even for eating.. And Internet… god knows how tough its to avoid this.. but amazingly.. I have this big time control in me… If i want to stop… I do it… or may be I have sense enough to stop before It becomes a problem.. which ever it is…
I think all the blessings in our life is double edged.. you never know what can be what.. a curse is a hidden blessing.. and blessing an hidden curse….
Like my ex… I created this wonderful bubble.. so full of life.. love and blind trust.. A trust that he didnt do anything to earn than just be.. and I gave it to him for free as if its of no value.. We lived in this bubble for sometime.. me changing all that I am.. trying to hold on to something that never was.. I wanted a miracle.. and I got one.. but I got more than what I could chew… It didnt take long to turn to my worst nightmare ever.. Not just him… but my sister.. she emotionally withdrew herself… She didnt want to discuss him at all.. when All I wanted was just that.. Well I dont blame her really.. in this bubble of mine she didnt exist.. And I was amazingly shitty to her.. It tooks me ages to heal.. but I have.. the scars are still there ofcourse.. I am glad they are.. Coz everytime I plan to be really stupid.. this helps me out!