I shouldn’t be here. On the terrace, while there are guest to be taken care of. They are celebrating my victory.. Strange isn’t it? I guess Victoria can take care of it. Victoria. Sophisticated. Suave. She would know what to say I guess. She always does. Few tears shed. neatly. won’t even spoil the makeup and she would look even more appealing. She always does.
So here I am in the darkened corner. With a surgical blade, a bottle of champagne, a pistol and some poison. A nice way to celebrate my success don’t you think ? What do they call it .. Ah swan song! Leaving with a bang! Can imagine tomorrow’s newspaper’s headlines. A nice flowery obituary…with many ornate words. A person of superior intelligence.. kind hearted… yada yada… etc etc’ How many of those people in there really know me.. really are happy for me ?
I decide its about time. I take the blade in my hand. Very sharp it is. The pharmacist warned me. He wondered what it is for but didn’t dare ask me. How could he ? After I am.. well me! I hold it in my left hand… and i put forth my right wrist… I could feel the blood flowing.. the rhythmic thumping.. thud thud thud thud..
Reminded me of the first time I cooked. Wanted to surprise Mom. Cut my hand… Never knew before I am allergic to sight of blood. I fainted. Mom got a nice surprise indeed. There I was.. in pool of blood. She thought I died. Gave her some fright. Ah can’t bleed to death.. too much pain! Why should I die that way ? I dropped the blade. I had the pistol . A shot through the brain and I will be dead like in a minute.
So I held the pistol in my right hand.. pointing towards my temple. I planned to blow my brains out. Luckily the DJ was very noisy. No one will hear it. I was trying to remember what my instructor had said.. Concentrate. Let everything else fade from the back ground.. focus on your target..I never could do it… I would follow all his instructions… and when I think I can do it finally..in the last moment.. I lost it… some wonderful incident.. some sweet thought.. always interrupted and I would lose focus… Poor instructor.. he had to give up on me…. Why did these thoughts always come ?.. Shouldn’t matter now… from such a short distance even I cannot miss!
“Bonnie!”. Damn the woman! The pistol fell down.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need time . Leave me alone”
“Still thinking of….”
“Shut up! Just go! Why can’t I do something I like in my home? Do I have to report to you now?” I raged.
“Ok okay! Don’t scream. There are guests here. Fine! I will manage until I can.. But do come down for sometime atleast. This is your party”
I didn’t reply. She left. My party indeed. I didn’t choose the food nor the music nor the guests. Ah yes.. still its my party. Well my party has to happen without me then. The pistol! Goddammit! It fell down into the traffic probably.. crushed.. I still have the poison don’t i ? But it.. well would be so bitter. Have to drink with the champagne. I pour the last drink.. ah reminds me of “the last supper”! .. The last drink! Would anyone bother paint this ?? I made the toast. To the future afterlife.. A quirky smile adorned my face. My very last one I guess . He always liked it. Yes… All my weird toasts and my smile. He would understand.. Not like victoria.. who acts like she knows why.. she wouldn’t.. he would…. yes.. he won’t be shocked seeing my dead body.. but how can I die with a drink? All his memories of mine will be tinged with sadness.. everytime he drinks.. it will remind him of my death… There was never a day when didn’t have a peg together. Nah! I cannot die with a champagne.. no poison won’t do.
I then decide to jump from my terrace. It was on the 25th floor. High enough to be able to jump and die. I look down. Its just too high! I am afraid. The traffic is so killing! They won’t even get my whole body to bury or burn. And so much mess it would create. But I can’t stop now.. I just have to do it! The other option was to go down.. smile over brightly.. falsified wishes and inane talks! I cannot fail. I will try again.. But…. Ah so high… so scary… I give it up. I am a coward.
“Bonnie!” Damn that woman! Vicky again! “What are you doing! What if you fall! get down from there”
She exasperates me.
“He is here” She didn’t need to take the name. I turned around and ……..
They buried me the next day. And I was right… they didnt get anything to burn so they buried me rather.. whatever remained of me.. My last thought was ‘ He would understand‘
He really did understand. Soon enough he joined me. Suicide they said. Love he said. Mistake I said…
Death…. different names.. one end…..