Thats what this past whole month has been. I have been super down to not so down to super high to not so high. Things that life throws in front of you!
Majorly disappointed by few of my online friends, I decided upon a major shut down. The fact that most sites were blocked in office really helped. No gmail/yahoo , no blogspot and no gtalk/ym. Life made easy for me.
And yet, I couldn’t keep away. The concerned emails and comments from my blog samaj and other sweet friends and my very own need for interaction kept pulling me back. And here I am.
I made a distressing realization. In bangalore, other than my online friends who are now offline friends also .. and few office colleagues.. I have only 2 friends whom I know in real life. Isn’t that really sad ?
There are days when I feel so empty that I can scream. Its like moments pass by without leaving any mark on me.
I did something I have not done in a long time. Something I promised I would never do. I called up a friend and said.. hey I am depressed amuse me! LOL!
As it happens, it was the spark that was needed for me to blog again. My friend pointed out that writing is my outlet and I have been amiss in not blogging. Perhaps he was right. And so here I am writing again. I told him that when I started, I filled this space with lot of rants and complaints and I have outgrown all that and now have created a positive space for myself and I dont want to spoil it with my current mood. However, I guess this is my space n I better be honest with it.. ins’t it ?
It is not like I didnt wanna blog. I did. every moment . Its just that I couldn’t trust myself to do it and I wanted to prove to myself that I can keep away. I can’t 😐
In the meantime, I have been watching a lot of movies and read a lot of books too. Currently, like today morning, I finished a book called as love n garbage. Totally uninspiring name and a very simple story. In one line, it is a story of a man having extra marital affair who is unable to choose between his wife n his lover and in the end chooses wife over the “lover” .
However, I was touched in many places. I didn’t want this story to end. Not because of the story but because of the insights and also it felt like a conversation. As if this writer is talking to me, opening out his innards and yet begging me not to judge him. I can’t really explain what went through me while I read this book. I am not sure if anyone else might like it. I might not like it in some other mood I guess. but I loved it.
For he talked about loneliness and this emptiness that fills you until all you wanna do is escape and that you can never do. Not because of anyone else. but because of you. Some might call you a “nice” person. but infact you simply are to much of a coward.. too insecure to break loose.
I also asked one of the other friend of mine, if he ever felt the passionate frenzy that they show in movies. I was curious. I don’t think I can ever feel it. My friend assures me that just because I haven’t felt it doesn’t mean that I never will. I hope he is right. I feel quite lukewarm really. I don’t have definite favorites. be it music or people or movies or books .. whatever.
I even realized this crazy bit of truth. I would rather not know it. Infact, I would rather no one know. I often tell people that I don’t like to be in a relation because I get easily bored of them. The truth is, I am afraid people will get bored of me. There I have said it.
And then, there is a fact that its soon going to be 3 years in this company in 5 months and I am still here. I wasn’t going to join, I wasn’t going to stick around and here I am !
As few of us in office were discussing, we are the “hem” and need to become the “haw” pretty soon or we will remain “hems” all our lives. We are great on discussing really. This is the friend I was talking about here Well what would I do if this friend of mine leaves the company! He is like my support system in the office. Someone to complain to .. and all!
Now I dunno how to end this post really. I wasn’t planning to post this. but it just was waiting to burst out!
So well let me leave you with a small incident. Yesterday night around 3.00 a.m, my dad woke up from his sleep and angrily reached my room and started scolding me. He was like, I am done with your carelessness. When are you going to learn. And I totally clueless looking at him and wondering what did I do now ? So I asked. And he said, yesterday night ( i.e day before) I had left the iron turned on and my dad had turned it off nearly 5 hours later. Totally contrite, I said sorry and promised not to do it again. Then I asked him, why the hell he waited all day to shout at me in the middle of the night ?
He said well… I remembered it just now ?. I was like now? in the middle of the sleep?
And we bothed guffawed the whole thing forgotten. Thankfully before my sis came. She wouldn’t have taken it so lightly! burr!
P.S: Edited again to add.. it was my sister’s bday on 3rd. I went for a huge shopping spree for both her n me. As it happens, she didn’t like her bday gift ( once again!) .. it was a “top” but she liked the other tops that I gave her.. so it was a so-so success. I don’t know why.. she never likes what I buy for “”her”” however, if I buy something for myself, she is instantly attracted to it. Is it that psychologically, I don’t pick up good stuff for her or is it that she is psychologically wired to like anything thats not meant for her ?