Emotional cocktail!

Thats what this past whole month has been. I have been super down to not so down to super high to not so high.  Things that life throws in front of you!

Majorly disappointed by few of my online friends, I decided upon a major shut down. The fact that most sites were blocked in office really helped. No gmail/yahoo  , no blogspot and no gtalk/ym. Life made easy for me.

And yet, I couldn’t keep away. The concerned emails and comments from my blog samaj and other sweet friends and my very own need for interaction kept pulling me back. And here I am.

I made a distressing realization. In bangalore, other than my online friends who are now offline friends also .. and few office colleagues.. I have only 2 friends whom I know in real life. Isn’t that really sad ?

There are days when I feel so empty that I can scream. Its like moments pass by without leaving any mark on me.

Like yesterday.

I did something I have not done in a long time. Something I promised I would never do. I called up a friend and said.. hey I am depressed amuse me! LOL!

As it happens, it was the spark that was needed for me to blog again. My friend pointed out that writing is my outlet and I have been amiss in not blogging. Perhaps he was right. And so here I am writing again. I told him that when I started, I filled this space with lot of rants and complaints and I have outgrown all that and now have created a positive space for myself and I dont want to spoil it with my current mood. However, I guess this is my space n I better be honest with it.. ins’t it ?

It is not like I didnt wanna blog. I did.  every moment . Its just that I couldn’t trust myself to do it and I wanted to prove to myself that I can keep away. I can’t 😐

In the meantime, I have been watching a lot of movies and read a lot of books too. Currently, like today morning, I finished a book called as love n garbage. Totally uninspiring  name and a very simple story. In one line, it is a story of a man having extra marital affair who is unable to choose between his wife n his lover and in the end chooses wife over the “lover” .

However, I was touched in many places. I didn’t want this story to end. Not because of the story but because of the insights and also it felt like a conversation. As if this writer is talking to me, opening out his innards and yet begging me not to judge him. I can’t really explain what went through me while I read this book. I am not sure if anyone else might like it. I might not like it in some other mood I guess. but I loved it.

For he talked about loneliness and this emptiness that fills you until all you wanna do is escape and that you can never do. Not because of anyone else. but because of you. Some might call you a “nice” person. but infact you simply are to much of a coward.. too insecure to break loose.

I also asked one of the other friend of mine, if he ever felt the passionate frenzy that they show in movies. I was curious. I don’t think I can ever feel it. My friend assures me that just because I haven’t felt it doesn’t mean that I never will. I hope he is right. I feel quite lukewarm really. I don’t have definite favorites. be it music or people or movies or books .. whatever.

I even realized this crazy bit of truth. I would rather not know it. Infact, I would rather no one know. I often tell people that I don’t like to be in a relation because I get easily bored of them. The truth is, I am afraid people will get bored of me. There I have said it.

And then, there is a fact that its soon going to be 3 years in this company in 5 months and I am still here. I wasn’t going to join, I wasn’t going to stick around and here I am !

As few of us in office were discussing, we are the “hem”  and need to become the “haw” pretty soon or we will remain “hems” all our lives. We are great on discussing really. This is the friend I was talking about here Well what would I do if this friend of mine leaves the company! He is like my support system in the office. Someone to complain to .. and all!

Now I dunno how to end this post really. I wasn’t planning to post this. but it just was waiting to burst out!

So well let me leave you with a small incident. Yesterday night around 3.00 a.m, my dad woke up from his sleep and angrily reached my room and started scolding me. He was like, I am done with your carelessness. When are you going to learn. And I totally clueless looking at him and wondering what did I do now ? So I asked. And he said, yesterday night ( i.e day before) I had left the iron turned on and my dad had turned it off nearly 5 hours later. Totally contrite, I said sorry and promised not to do it again. Then I asked him, why the hell he waited all day  to shout at me in the middle of the night ?

He said well… I remembered it just now ?. I was like now? in the middle of the sleep?

And we bothed guffawed the whole thing forgotten. Thankfully before my sis came. She wouldn’t have taken it so lightly! burr!

P.S: Edited again to add.. it was my sister’s bday on 3rd. I went for a huge shopping spree for both her n me. As it happens, she didn’t like her bday gift ( once again!) .. it was a “top” but she liked the other tops that I gave her.. so it was a so-so success. I don’t know why.. she never likes what I buy for “”her”” however, if I buy something for myself, she is instantly attracted to it. Is it that psychologically, I don’t pick up good stuff for her or is it that she is psychologically wired to like anything thats not meant for her ?

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16 thoughts on “Emotional cocktail!

  1. Good to see you back gurl 🙂

    I guess everyone goes through phases like this and it kind of makes one realize where they really stand and understand life better.

    But what matters is that you are back!! 😛

  2. good to have you back winnie….. things will always work out !!! dont worry!!!!!

    god bless!!!! 😛

    and regarding gifts for sisters…. hehehehehehe 😛 I take my sis out and ask her to buy her own gift…. that is the only way in which I can get her to like what I buy her 😛

    Me: But aren’t girls supposed to be good with gifts? :-S esp sisters? 😦 😐 😐

  3. Welcome back, Meensy! Break is good but don’t disappear for long. We missed you, dear.

    Me: *hugs* Nah! I wont. *fingers crossed*

    Ha..ha.. next time buy a dress for you sister and tell her that it is for you then she will like it and you can gift her. 😉

    ME: LOL! Seems like a plan! I personally think birthday presents are jinxed! they never turn out right.. mine to her n hers to me!

  4. I guess it is the second psychology, the grass always greener the other side & & isn’t it a sibling thing???

    You know like you I also feel that through writing I give a vent to loads of my thoughts & feelings but then we all have phases when everything makes us feel disillusioned and in times like this it is always better to take a break and come back refreshed this ways you also realize the importance of thing that you are missing 🙂

    Anyways, good to have you back dear 🙂

    Me: It is wonderful to be back 🙂

    And lol @ your Dad 😀 aren’t Dad’s cute??

    Me: Dads are simply amazing!

  5. Good to see you back Winnie 🙂 all I an say is thats life: sometimes happiness, sometime sadness, all emotions in one small life..

    Me: I agree!

    siblings behavior.. i always do that 🙂

    Me: Am I the only seedhasaadha insaan? :angel:

  6. Great to see you back Winnie… 🙂
    sometimes these things will happen… but dont worry it will pass and you will be cheerful again… 🙂 god bless you 🙂
    and for gifts… LOL… try to give what she likes and didnt have… thats how I buy for my bro 🙂

    Me: Thats what I tried to do!

  7. This is how all start blogging – an outlet for everything – you do not think about what you write, but then come the comments, the readers, and maybe sometimes people who know you and expectations are set, and you try to stick to that!
    I have never been able to go back to the carefree/mindless blogging that I used to do 3-4 years back now that know my colleagues/friends/family know of this blog.
    Hats off to you that you are back to blogging at its root level! 🙂

    Me: Oh no. not even I do the blogging like I used to. Infact I have a secret blog thats closed for everyone. But that doesnt give gratification no?

  8. Hey Meanie… 😀 good to see you back !!! n with a flurry of posts 😀

    WELCOME BACK to Bloggywoods !!! 😀 ………….now lets make a good story that goes all hit….. super hit….. super duper hit…. 😀 what say……… actor… actress… so much paperwork to do… ufff… ufffff……… 😀 am excited to you see you back 😀 and am sure many others are too……….

    when i got your msg in the morning…….. i was half asleep….. and the first msg i sent and then i realised shit there was more space i wanted to write more….. why did cilck send…… and before i could cancel it and write more it went…. sob sob… 😦 buhuhooo 😀 heheh… neway the point is you can understand how excited i was even in my sleep 😀 so welcome back madi !!! 😀

    Lets have some fun now !!!! 😀

  9. Welcome back Meenu! Am so glad you are back. Missed you loads!

    Things will get back to normal.. All of us go through ups and downs.. am sure you will be back to normal in no time.. And you know what, it doesnot matter how many friends you have – as far as you have one that you can count on.

    As for your sis’s gift 🙂 I think Sols idea makes a lot of sense :)Or take her shopping and ask her to pick out a dress for you – and then gift it to her 🙂

  10. I told ya already 🙂
    muahh! 😀
    dont disappear again 😛

    ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
    right here babe !right here! just holler! 😀

    ME: Yes honey! I know! *hugs*

  11. All you need is an iron with auto shut-off… if turning careful sounds like going against your nature 🙂

    Me: gift me! 😀 😀 Being careful has always been against my nature! If i start telling stories of all the careless things I have done! ah!

  12. Heyyyyyy…..came here to ur blog after a long time expecting to read atleast 30 posts in 1 go & find just 3-4 of them;-/.

    Secret blog eh…sounds interesting….so when r u going to gimme access;-D

    As for this post…it made a lot of sense…especially the ‘passionate frenzy’ & the ‘bored’ bit. It seems my friend, ur & my self-esteem cd do with a bit of lift:-)).

    As for ur sister…give her a gift voucher next time ;-P

    Me: gift voucher is the best suggestion so far!! Ah self esteem! its like a sand keeps slipping down eh ?

  13. I finally opened my reader and found this unread post 🙂 This one is an emotional post… but how does someone write such beautiful fiction without being emotional?

    My sister also likes whatever I buy for myself… I think this must be a sisters thing 🙂

    Really glad you are back!

    Me: I am back at a snail pace though! trying to catch up!! I am quite emotional.. drama queen like infact!

Humor me please? *winks*

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