How open are you guys with extra marital affairs? I know personally I wouldn’t ever be able to accept it when it comes to my spouse.. and yet, I recently met this female who was having an extra marital affair.. and all I could muster for her was profound pity and that left a bad taste in my mouth.

How desperately alone this female must be to have not one but two extra marital affair and yet not finding that elusive “comfort” that she was so desperately seeking.

My sister had a different take on it. She was like, I would never like to be friends with someone like her who has such a loose character.

For  some reason, I couldn’t agree to her. I felt it was not because of loose character but loneliness and  fear that kept her into the marriage. Not to mention the fact that she  is dependent on her husband financially.

But then again it waters down to the fact that she is cheating..  or does it ?


33 thoughts on “Affairs…

  1. “For some reason, I couldn’t agree to her. I felt it was not because of loose character but loneliness and fear that kept her into the marriage.” I would tend to agree with you given the context M. But as you have said if it is my spouse… then… yeah, I guess even then I will tend to retrospect and see if I left her so desperate and helpless.

    Thought-provoking. Thanks. 🙂 As for your sis’ take, I respect that; different people are different. I know people who would be friends only with straight-As for instance! I guess it is all about individual perceptions and co-existence “with” that and not “in spite of” that!

  2. I feel the rules should be the same for both, men and women when they are unfaithful. What actually happens is women traditionally get seriously condemned while men might get away with it, sometimes even blaming the spouse for the infidelity.
    Like you, I tend to feel sympathy for women, but not sure why… maybe because since they are suppressed one feels maybe they were driven to it.

  3. A friend of mine who worked in India briefly finds that married women there don’t maintain the same distance that married women in the US do. It is a pity if the flaw is in our attitude to marriage, if the sanctity is lost.
    When I say “our”, it is the educated working middle class.

      1. I am talking about normal married people who avoid situations that can potentially jeopardise their emotional balance and their loyalties. The second comment had to do with people dissatisfied with their lives looking for elusive comforts. It is the brooding type that are most likely to falter. You should read ‘The Power Of Now’. It is within your intellectual grasp, I assure you.

        1. What do you mean about “normal married” people. There is no such thing. Women in the US cheat just as fast, if not faster than other women, we have the illusions that we are free .. which is bull. We are more enslave because we think we are free. No book can tell you about women, we are as individual as snowflakes, and it’s based on the situation, as we changes like the wind .. because we have no choice, look at this world of men!

          Oh well … just drifting by and this post intrigued me. You young folks are far more wiser than i was at your age … thank goodness!

          Me: I guess it is a boon as well as a bane… the more smarter we are the less we learn from the past no ?

  4. Talking of “elusive comforts” there is a saying – na sukhaath labhate sukham : pleasure doesn’t give pleasure. Meaning, it doesn’t help you escape from reality.

    Echart Tolle explains this in The Power Of Now:
    Certain things in the past didn’t go the way you wanted. You are still resisting what happened in the past, and now you are resisting what is. Hope is what keeps you going, but hope keeps you focused on the future, and this continued focus perpetuates your denial of the Now and therefore your unhappiness.

    Usually, the future is a replica of the past. Superficial changes are possible, but real transformation is rare and depends upon whether you can become present enough to dissolve the past by accessing the power of Now. What you perceive as future is an intrinsic part of the state of consciousness now. If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future – which, of course, can only be experienced as the power of Now.

    Moral: ________________ (I leave it as an exercise for you)

    1. Lets just say i am too dumb. I really didnt get the point you were trying to make 🙂

      Pleasure doesnt always give pleasure.. but pleasure sometimes does give pleasure 🙂

      Also.. what does this got to do with the post ?

      1. Pleasure is an interval between two pains. Make no mistake. It is a zero sum game. Here comes ET to my rescue:
        Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they arise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other had, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without the bad. So in the unenlightened, mind identified condition, what is sometimes wrongly called joy is the usually short-lived pleasure side of the continuously altering pain/pleasure cycle. Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain. And what is often referred to as love maybe pleasurable and exciting for a while, but it is an addictive clinging, an extremely needy condition that can turn into its opposite at the flick of a switch. Many “love” relationships, after the initial euphoria has passed, actually oscillate between “love” and hate, attraction and attack – ET in PoN
        Just don’t ask how it is related to the post. It is life’s lesson – the best advise you can receive before starting a relationship. If you get the book and it seems like a bouncer, wrap it and gift it to your sis 🙂

  5. Well, trust is prime. Once lost, it is hard to regain.
    The reaction of the guy, whenever it surfaces, is anyone’s guess.

    I’d advice refrain … But then, to each his own!

      1. I don’t think anyone should be judged, because no one knows what goes on behind the marriage doors except the ones that’s live behind it. So many young men are playing with the “down low” state of mind thinking that if they cheat with a man it’s not cheating … and women do the same. But I don’t think cheating have anything to do with it, when a person goes outside the marriage, it simply mean they are not getting what they need from the marriage. Sometimes it can be fixed, at other times, like me, you live in it because you have gotten old and it more of a convenience for both parties.

        But this is just my opinion. Staying in an unhappy marriage is not always about finance, or independent dealing with finance, sometimes we have a spiritual or mental attachment to the person, that has nothing to do with our physical desires. Chances are, the spouse knows when their mate is cheating — I did. There are times, when love is involved, when we put blinders on.

        Me: Though what you say is right, I do feel that the spouse is being short changed big time!

    1. I am not sure if I am right.. though if it was a guy i guess or if it happened to me.. i would take a different view.

      How can one trust someone who is not honest in one of her most important relationship? Would he/she be honest in any other relationship?

          1. I don’t think it’s that easy. Sometimes we need something another can’t give, yet we don’t want to lose a relationship where at least 80% of our needs are attended to. It’s a catch 22 situation.

            Me: But isnt that too selfish? What about the other person? Wouldnt he/ she feel helpless insufficient etc etc ? Wouldnt it be better if we r just okay with 80% ?

  6. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to think of cheating or being cheated on.
    In the end, you can still be her good friend and not get it. It could be her search for the Holy Grail for all we know.
    I think it is easier to judge than to just accept. Also is it really loose character for a woman to indulge in an affair? What about the men involved? I am quite certain they know her marital status.
    But I guess it is different strokes for different folks.
    If she is searching for something elusive, I really do not see her getting it through extra-marital affairs. It sounds more self-destructive instead.

    1. I agree to everything but one point…

      About the guys knowing her marital status.. the way my thinking works is.. the guys are in no way culpable.. its not them who took vows to abide through thick n thin.. they have not made commitment and hence are free to field.. but she has 🙂

  7. Based on your various responses Meena, and to me, a concocted response:

    (i) I know exactly what you mean when you say introspection leaves you shattered (esp when the guy/girl is hyper self-critical and cannot even in the most pragmatic way appreciate his own position). I have felt it all too well, seen it and know it. One reason why I probably don’t introspect as much these days.

    (ii) As for good and bad they are sides of a coin which change for people don’t they? I mean I am not speaking of what ought to be but what it is. A toss itself is not unfair to me unless I call it tails and heads it comes. So are good or bad… May show me as flimsy but so be it: I have seen even good and bad switch sides within the same person in a few months depending on scenarios and convenience.

    (iii) Finally, I DO NOT think a person should be judged on marital dishonesty. But then again who am I to say one “should” not be? I myself am getting into the “should” trap right? More mildly put, if you are willing to judge a person, judge him/her across time and seasons; give yourself and others the same allowance. Far too often – and I have not been an exception to the rule – our judgments precede keen and patient observation and ties which might still have held are severed.

    (iv) Most importantly, matters of the heart and their formalisation into “vows” are different things much as would like to believe they are genuine progressions from former to latter and we want it to “work” at least for us. More times than not, there is a world of difference between weddings and marriages. I guess that should sum it for me.

    Alas! 😉 Sorry for the essay. lol. Just felt driven to disgorge, er, some nonsense I suppose. 😛

  8. Goodness I didnt understand half the discussion which was going on above…seriously u guys are too deep for me.

    The way I see it….is a bit like stealing. Whether it is stealing just like that or stealing to feed ur hungry sister its still stealing isn’t it. Its WRONG.
    But having said tht, I do realise there r various pressures man undergoes while life deals with him. But there is a laxman rekha for everything. There is a line drawn for every relationship whether it is boss-employee or teacher-student or husband-wife. If it is not adhered to, the balance of the relationship goes awry. Maybe it is the fault of the other person in the relationship but ur having an extra marital affair is not the answer.
    However much they justify their end when they look back into their lives they r not going to like themselves very much.

    And to answer ur question….ofcourse she is cheating.

    Me: Got to agree with you!

Humor me please? *winks*

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