Torture

Is it possible to ever forget or replace the one you lost? I wonder if you really lose anyone? Every time someone moves away from you.. it is not them that you lose, it is a part of you.

Isnt that why you feel this huge void, this emptiness that wants to drown you. And you reach out to life like you never had before. Strings of half baked affairs, surplus night outs, parties later you still find yourself dreading those few moments before the sleep starts its healing process and after the lights are turned off.

How do you over come this empty void?

I hear your voice, hear you call me in the dead of the night. I cheat myself with the thought that you will come back, that you are on vacation… and then suddenly a wayward thought crops up .. ‘ You are never coming back’ and my heart breaks all over again.. These illusions never help do they?

Few snatches of conversations, a long echoing cough… A whiff of roasted chestnuts in ghee, amusing phrases oft repeated only between us, soft moments, harsh moments.. the ups and the downs, the sun, the moon, travels, trains.. every goddamn thing reminds me something of you.. something of me!

And when my heart can’t take it anymore…..

I         think           of                ‘him’

I invent many different ways of torturing myself! Don’t I?

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7 thoughts on “Torture

  1. and when I start saying such things about someone I lost – or a part of mine I lost, I agree with you on that – people tell me all sorts of things… ranging from I am foolish to she has moved on to blah. The worst thing is not in understanding these things but perhaps understanding itself: you know no matter what you cannot lose the love, and yet can’t have it either.

    PS: I turned 25 a few days back, knew I would not get a call from sb – as I did not last year – and knew her not calling was justified… still???!!! Despite a great birthday the incompleteness took me to bed, for a change, sans tears!

    Me: All I can say is.. enjoy what youve had.. and dont grudge what you cannot have… having said that.. grieving is part of life.. and one should let the process do what it has to!

  2. Between the banks of pleasure and pain, the river of life flows. Uncling and flow with it. Life is NOW.

    Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now. There is never a time when your life is not “this moment”.

    (positive thoughts, baby.. they are worth sharing!)

    Me: Thanks for sharing.. but grieving is part of life.. is it not?

  3. One can never replace the ones we truly miss.

    Instead of getting sad we should be thankful that there was someone in our lives who made living a joy.

    Loved the last line.

    Me: 🙂 There are things I want to say but none worth saying..

  4. Hugs. I think we all do that – the heart has its habits and it takes a while to change… 😦 Self torture is a part of healing, one fine day there is no wish to imagine anymore… that’s when one start feeling better… Heal it does – it just needs time. There’s no doubt about that.

    ME: I agree !! *hugs*

Humor me please? *winks*

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