I want to confess. Rather just let it out. Things remind me of you still. In random unconnected bursts. Its like an impulse. Sharp, unpredictable and for a very short time but the impact keeps me reeling for a long long time. Maha shivratri reminds me of you. The chant of lingashtakam and Bilvashtakam reminds me of you.
A colleague brought some prasadam from Tirupathi that reminded me of you. Standing on many different lines and demanding more than leaflet just coz it was so tasty. Munching on gunja laddoo, god long forgotten, you taught me to be a foodie, to soar in the sky of gastric delight.
Then diwalis… oh how many of them…. toiling in sweating humidity, to make the best sweets all by ourselves and in bulk.. coz we have to share them.. sharing makes it special.. to this day I love cooking when others come home.. and just for us.. we dont like to bother.. You taught me that its worth the effort if in the end what awaits is the perfectly rounded, made in ghee and garnished with lavishly added dry fruits is that uber tasty Gunja laddoo . Our favorite. I had it hungrily yesterday.. not coz i missed it.. not coz it was nicely made.. but coz somewhere in the smell and in the taste it reminded me of you.. Reminded me of so many tiny little memory which I wish I could freeze and never let go…
And yet i know, even if i keep repeating them to myself as a litany, these memories shall slip away.. like you did..
And yet, if your presence lingers somewhere.. anywhere.. I want you to know. I remember.
In those unsuspecting moment when I let myself forget that you are not around anymore I remember.
I don’t rejoice in it, nor do I mourn anymore. I remember it almost indifferently.
Sometimes I lie to myself thus.