Somehow longings do not consider your pride important enough to be saved. And they have a way of pulling the heart strings in a way that reasons do not hold sway.
So far reason is winning, barely and now the very act defiance has pushed me into eternal vigilance which translates into the fact that I keep thinking of you all the time. Not that I wasn’t thinking before. I was but at least it wasn’t conscious.
And since I had to give in to the temptation somehow and still salvage my pride, I reached out to him
Its note that I don’t miss him, I do. Probably in more ways than I miss you. For his absence is like his presence, around the corner and ever present. But when it comes to you, Rilke couldnt have said it better : I am ‘Grasped by that which could not be grasped.’
And just when I think I have reached the rock bottom, you up the stakes or is it me?