Although there has not been a major change in the vital stats of my life, this past two years has been a whirlwind of moments. Some changed me, some I wish I can change. Some made me think some makes me wonder what was I thinking ?
Some moments I am proud of, some quite happy.
In some ways,I feel so different than I was . I am now, less confused, more sure about who I am and what I want but in some ways I find my self so contradictory. It feels like life happens to me only in retrospect. In many ways though, I have been more happy then not.
My relationship with my sister has been so tempestuous, for lack of better words, that I’ve feared for my sanity and her’s more often than I’d like.
On an personal level, my single status has stuck to me for such a long time that it has stopped bothering me. I no longer look for a “potential” mate like I used to in every man I meet. And frankly this has been so liberating. As a consequence, I have stopped meeting a lot of people too.
I have started enjoying my own company a lot. Actually scratch that. Staying in Delhi for a week, seemingly alone almost made me pull my hair, just for fun. I am not meant to be alone. I am meant to be aloof and yet graciously deem to spend my time with minions ( yes I am that arrogant in my thoughts. What do you expect I am Meanie after all! )
Introspection used to be one of my favorite past time after reading both of which I have sacrificed on the altar of career. With no regrets though. With out my work, what would I be ?
Friendships that I held on to as life supports have slipped up ( down? ). I can see the threads fraying but I dont know how to keep them together. I feel like I play yo yo between my vulnerabilities, my need to appear strong and uncaring and ACTUALLY caring. It is not a good place to be. How do you determine when enough is enough ?
On the other hand, there are these beautiful relationships that I feel I never gave its due that I appreciate more now and value for they have been quite undemanding and yet so fulfilling.
Travel has enriched my life so much this past one year and has broadened my horizons. I can now see paths that I never considered before and feel the itch to follow. Things that seemed so risky and scary before , I now think of, as a real possibility. This is an achievement that am secretly ( now openly) proud of.
I have been told that I am now a bit less judgmental and a bit more easier to be with, I am glad.
One of the hardest things in life is to stare at your failings and to accept them. Denial is a sweet nectar that gives you diabetes at end of the day and am glad that I, more often than not , dont indulge in it. ( Self pity I still do !!)
Sadly though, I have realized that I am going to be one of those old crones who never know when to shut up! One would think that after so much verbiage both online and offline, I’d be tired of chattering. But no, I can never stop. Earlier at least, the conversations were interesting but nowadays! In fact just this week, I earned the dubious distinction of making a guy sleep while in a phone conversation with me… not once, not twice but THRICE! In ONE WEEK 😦 😦 😦
Nothing is more humility inducing, and eye opening than that. Once upon a time, people used to line up to have conversations with me!!!
People do find me amusing travel partner. Thats a relief!
Oh and friends have been getting married, left , right and center and if that was not enough many are popping up babies as if there’s no tomorrow. This freaks me out.
I am going to be 30 in a few weeks and I cant imagine how time just flew by. I dont feel thirty. I dont feel grown up. I still feel like am very childish , immature and gawky.
Issues like health, future, having a car, a flat and taking care of “myself” have started to haunt me.
Responsibilities have knocked my door and whether I want them or not, they are here to stay.
So how do I end this post ? I started with no clear directions and now I dont know where to end. Well I guess this is as good as any place.