Did you dream of me yesterday when you slept? Or may be you stayed up thinking about me. I did. Stay up thinking about you I mean.
The things I want to ask you uff! How many times in these last years did you think of me.?
What were your thoughts? I want to delve into each word you say. I want to touch that cheek of yours with the back of my hand just like I did so many years ago and ask how do you feel now? How did you feel then?
That movie that you liked so much, did you imagine me as the heroine or someone else?
If it was me, how would you respond, if I reached out and kissed you? Would I be able able to contain this tempestuous heart then?
I want to ask, where did you disappear when you ghosted me all those years ago.
And more importantly, did you really love me then? Or do you still love me for a bit? Just in that rainy moment, listening to your favourite song in my favourite car? Did you feel a miniscule of what I feel?
My love, where do I find the courage to ask all these and more?
So I sing along the music and look out of the window, in this rainy beautiful night.
There’s a scream within me that wants to get out but dies before it reaches my lips. I try and hold it in but how do you hold tempest in a sigh?
There’s a dream lost in whirlwinds of time that wanted to find a way home but I woke up before it could. I try and sleep it out but how do you seek direction in a mirage?
Today I got to thinking about trust. How trust is the factor that keeps society going. If you don’t trust your family, it becomes useless. Actually the saying ‘ it takes a village to raise a child’ made me think about trust. The fact that we can no longer trust our neighbours or friends or relatives to care for our children, made me wonder if our society is unraveling. One can no longer assume that marriage is forever and friendships that are true are hard to come by.
Aren’t they foundation of our society? May be thats over reaching and I am just too jaded with little trust to spare.
Is it just me that feels that way?
When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, it has to struggle a lot to get strong wings.. if you help it transition, the wings would be too delicate and it can never fly..
For some reason this thought crossed my mind. If this is true for butterflies & birds and other animals, would it not be true for humans ?
And if it is applicable to humans too, have we become weak and malformed with all the mollycoddling society does today? Technology makes things easier at every step. I remember when I was a kid, I could add, subtract & multiply in my mind , yet now I need a calculator. To gain knowledge, one had to read a lot or depend on peers or elders. Today, at our finger tip, we have all the answers . To meet a friend, one had to travel to their place. Today, we have so many options. From Facebook to Whatsapp, options galore.. it would follow that keeping in touch would be easier .. and yet, we are ill informed, struggling with maths & out of touch with most our friends. Could it be that like butterflies, our wings do not have the strength & as a society we are collapsing?
Should we then go back to simpler times ?
I have great affinity to brokenness. Some days it’s me that broken and other days I collect brokenness . Broken things and broken people.
Is it that there are too many of them in this world or that the brokenness in me attract these people?
I read it in some novel that Japanese ppl take great care with broken beautiful things. They patch these broken things with gold to enhance it’s value. How then can we enhance value of broken people?
Often I find myself saying the wrong things , in an effort to not pity, I end up hurting them. At others, I avoid uncomfortable situations.
I wish I had the power to heal them. If not, at least to not hurt.
These days , I feel myself to be so inadequate and yet, there are some who think I made a difference to their life. May be I am not so bad at it after all. Why then do I feel this way?
May be it’s time someone made an effort to fill my cracks with gold
I don’t get this! The person I wanted in my life desperately found it easy to step away from life. He has never tried to be part of my life even as a friend. I can accept that. It is sad but it’s his choice and I accept it.
What I find so difficult to accept is presence of these other characters who can’t stop declaring their love for me and their constant attempts to be part of my life.
Why is this logic all so twisted?
The other day, I went to a Sri sri store that recently opened and signed up for a naadi chikitsa aka an ayurvedic way of body check usually done by reading your nerves ? Blood flow ? I don’t exactly know how to translate that correctly.
Anyhow, I signed up only as a curiosity however, the doctor there could so accurately guess my state of mind and a lot of my problems, both mental & physical that I was suprisingly amazed!
So I spent like 1k in getting the meds she suggested. I shall update in a month how effective this was.