Somedays

Somedays, I am happy about the way things are with me.. I like being this unembellished, unadorned me. I like the fact that I don’t have to wear any masks.

 

Some days like this is just enough.

Unreasonable post

I know this feeling is most unreasonable but some days I feel cheated out of tenderness. I am so afraid of hurting again that I can’t find in myself the ability to love anyone with any kind of depth. I think I am more comfortable with disappointments and numbness. Esp, the ads that celebrates the finer parts of relationships enrage me sometimes. I know though, I don’t deserve that sweetness coz I do not hold that sweetness in me and besides, I’d probably be more apprehensive than loving if I ever find someone showering love n attention on me. I know this is self sabotage and yet, I find myself frozen in emotional dichotomy.

So much so that the only tears I shed is by watching videos.

 

Life

It never seems easy, this life. But if it was easy, would you want to live it anyways ? I am happy with thousand lives that I dream of and forget between the night and the first ray of light.

Some times I feel, those are the only lives I live. 

 

From Nov 2013, the last blast from the past

Dear you

Dear you,

One thing I can say with out doubt is that I dont understand love. Mine and yours. When you say you love me.. I want to dive into your mind and find out what you actually mean by that. Is it that I am so comfortable and available ? Almost a safe harbor ? I dont want to be loved for that. For I know one day you’d need safe harbor from me.

Unavailable from now on,

Winnie

 

 

Another draft from past

How I am.

I am haunted by the past.

Every day I find myself second guessing my actions, looking for that speck of unreasonableness that definitively marks me , me.

What is it that I want, I am not really sure. I know this- I am tired and would much rather enjoy being unraveled.

This is one pleasure I am afraid to give into. There is freedom in this and it tantalizes me. But I do not have the luxury of breaking into pieces because if I do, I am afraid no one will pick the pieces nay no one would know, to pick them up

 

Draft from the past that’s still valid