She was the bravest of the lot. She had dared to leave all things familiar to venture into a land so alien. A place that looked different, felt different. The food, the culture, the climate, everything was foreign to her! I don’t claim that I knew her well.. but there was one train ride , one song… That made a connection that sustained longer than either of us expected.
And today, when I heard this song over the radio after a decade of our parting, I remembered her
Somedays, I am happy about the way things are with me.. I like being this unembellished, unadorned me. I like the fact that I don’t have to wear any masks.
Some days like this is just enough.
I know this feeling is most unreasonable but some days I feel cheated out of tenderness. I am so afraid of hurting again that I can’t find in myself the ability to love anyone with any kind of depth. I think I am more comfortable with disappointments and numbness. Esp, the ads that celebrates the finer parts of relationships enrage me sometimes. I know though, I don’t deserve that sweetness coz I do not hold that sweetness in me and besides, I’d probably be more apprehensive than loving if I ever find someone showering love n attention on me. I know this is self sabotage and yet, I find myself frozen in emotional dichotomy.
So much so that the only tears I shed is by watching videos.
This place surrounded by glitzy buildings, a greeny respite. Some quiet, a book and music.
This right here is salvation!
When you ask me why am silent, I want to tell you that “I have nothing to say”
In the moment of saying this, it no longer holds true.
So I remain silent.
It never seems easy, this life. But if it was easy, would you want to live it anyways ? I am happy with thousand lives that I dream of and forget between the night and the first ray of light.
Some times I feel, those are the only lives I live.
From Nov 2013, the last blast from the past
One thing I can say with out doubt is that I dont understand love. Mine and yours. When you say you love me.. I want to dive into your mind and find out what you actually mean by that. Is it that I am so comfortable and available ? Almost a safe harbor ? I dont want to be loved for that. For I know one day you’d need safe harbor from me.
Unavailable from now on,
Another draft from past