I am most surprised that I have wanted to write this letter to you! You are one of those shamefaced secret that I don’t want anyone to know. And yet there are things that I fondly remember.
One of those things is road trip. So may be, it is not that far fetched that I write this.
Beautiful cloudy days with greenery all around and me at the wheel. This was your gift to me. There is no better gift than this. There was so much grace and affection in this act that it was almost love. It definitely was.
Now that I have my own car and I go on my own road trips on long empty roads in beautiful cloudy climate , it is obvious that I remember you.
And yet, it is unexpected , this trickle of affection that I am feeling… I don’t even like you!
The sun sets gloriously and they go back to their little boxes leaving me to my silence. Some days it’s a blessing and others, a curse.
A car is not just a car! It’s a promise that you kept even though it took 4 years to do so.
It’s a declaration that sometimes, you do come through. Not everything is a castle in the air.
A car, the car, is a roar of Independence, it’s vanquishing of fear that crippled you for as long as you can remember.
It’s a harbinger of hope. Things are a- changing!
A car is the sweetness of a dream.
My car! MY CAAAAAR!
I know I have no right..No right! But… I can’t help but feel betrayed right now. Betrayed by you… It’s been ages.. I know.. we are not together.. I know … But … Whenever I was disappointed in men, I thought, at least there was you! You were good… Plain gold… Everything else doesn’t matter… But now I know… You were just like the rest… May be more evolved more polished version of that shit.. but still a shit… And I feel betrayed all over again!
You stole my narrative. Now I am just a pathetic woman who fell for the fluff and didn’t even know
I am happiest when am in transit. Not when I reach my destination where all the possibilities are over, not when I start when too many things can go wrong.
I am my most happy in transit. I like to call it trans-happy ! Something about the open road, wind in my hair and the noisy quietness of companiable silence that puts me in meditative state. Especially if am traveling alone. And that for me is the best time ever!!
She was the bravest of the lot. She had dared to leave all things familiar to venture into a land so alien. A place that looked different, felt different. The food, the culture, the climate, everything was foreign to her! I don’t claim that I knew her well.. but there was one train ride , one song… That made a connection that sustained longer than either of us expected.
And today, when I heard this song over the radio after a decade of our parting, I remembered her
Somedays, I am happy about the way things are with me.. I like being this unembellished, unadorned me. I like the fact that I don’t have to wear any masks.
Some days like this is just enough.