I know I have no right..No right! But… I can’t help but feel betrayed right now. Betrayed by you… It’s been ages.. I know.. we are not together.. I know … But … Whenever I was disappointed in men, I thought, at least there was you! You were good… Plain gold… Everything else doesn’t matter… But now I know… You were just like the rest… May be more evolved more polished version of that shit.. but still a shit… And I feel betrayed all over again!
You stole my narrative. Now I am just a pathetic woman who fell for the fluff and didn’t even know
I am happiest when am in transit. Not when I reach my destination where all the possibilities are over, not when I start when too many things can go wrong.
I am my most happy in transit. I like to call it trans-happy ! Something about the open road, wind in my hair and the noisy quietness of companiable silence that puts me in meditative state. Especially if am traveling alone. And that for me is the best time ever!!
She was the bravest of the lot. She had dared to leave all things familiar to venture into a land so alien. A place that looked different, felt different. The food, the culture, the climate, everything was foreign to her! I don’t claim that I knew her well.. but there was one train ride , one song… That made a connection that sustained longer than either of us expected.
And today, when I heard this song over the radio after a decade of our parting, I remembered her
Somedays, I am happy about the way things are with me.. I like being this unembellished, unadorned me. I like the fact that I don’t have to wear any masks.
Some days like this is just enough.
I know this feeling is most unreasonable but some days I feel cheated out of tenderness. I am so afraid of hurting again that I can’t find in myself the ability to love anyone with any kind of depth. I think I am more comfortable with disappointments and numbness. Esp, the ads that celebrates the finer parts of relationships enrage me sometimes. I know though, I don’t deserve that sweetness coz I do not hold that sweetness in me and besides, I’d probably be more apprehensive than loving if I ever find someone showering love n attention on me. I know this is self sabotage and yet, I find myself frozen in emotional dichotomy.
So much so that the only tears I shed is by watching videos.
This place surrounded by glitzy buildings, a greeny respite. Some quiet, a book and music.
This right here is salvation!
When you ask me why am silent, I want to tell you that “I have nothing to say”
In the moment of saying this, it no longer holds true.
So I remain silent.