Its been a long time since I wrote a “dear you” letter but then I hoped desperately that you’d never feature as “you” in dear you. Ironically, this is also my first letter to you. Today is very special for you. It is also the day when I am painfully aware that even in my imagination, there could no longer be “us” . Its been quite sometime since there has been no “us”. If I’m being honest, there was never “us” not really in your mind anyways.
I’ve spent months trying to understand what was on your mind.. or what wasnt. I have also accepted that its absurd to actually try to understand, coz hind sight rationalization is just that. It cannot really explain the inexplicable impulses that influence our actions. It took me a long time and I have finally understood the lesson that your presence and then your absence taught me. Thank you for that.
Thank you for coming into my life like you did. You changed the contours of my dream, you made them real. You blazed through my defenses and left me undone. It made me realize that some of the walls were unnecessary. It is not always easy to let people in and then let them stay. You were the only one I asked to stay. It really was heart wrenching to see you go but I have finally let you go.
So no hard feelings :)
I should probably send you this letter but I won’t. This was also part of the lesson that I learnt.
Not so much yours anymore,
I have a question to ask and I dont know whom to ask of it. Who is to blame in a relationship.. ( if you could call it one) if one of them don’t feel the magic. Is it the fault of the one who doesnt feel,… for not feeling it.. or the one who does feel it ? If it is magic.. how can the other one not feel it… and if it isnt, how pathetic is that the other one feels it ?
I have always known that I am in love with love itself more than the people I have been in love with. And that I paint the world larger than life when it happens to me. I also know that , given this trait, love doesnt always survive. It is too larger than life to be real. May be I prefer it that way coz.. to believe in love that can exist would mean.. I have to look for it and work on it and see it fade into something gray and I am a person of blacks and whites and the colors I use.. only in imagination.
So in the end.. did I ever feel the magic.. or did I just imagine it up ? And not knowing this answer scares me.
Some days, you really want to be eclipsed. Wouldnt it be wonderful to just escape from all that is and hide for a moment or two so that you could collect yourself before you face whatever it is that you have to face.
Some days, you simply have to deal with the fact that you are no sun ( or moon) *sigh*
Destination counts. Who ever says its all about traveling had nowhere to go to.
I have been fortunate to have a lot of interesting people in my life. They keep me entertained, challenge my perceptions and most often teach me humility.
Long conversations that span days
Witty ones that keep me smiling at odd times.
Short conversations that make me think..
But often I end up having interrupted conversations. Things left unsaid, for some reason or another. Thoughts left unexpressed may be because there isnt enough clarity or not enough time. These conversations are more dear to me. Its like that mysterious door I pass by but never enter.
If I ever finish that conversation, I would have nothing to look forward to!
I have trouble with boundaries. Somehow, I am very protective of mine but I pretty much cross the line when it comes to others. I am one of those nosy strangers who would ask uncomfortable questions and expect it answered as if its nothing. It is also a gift. It is not easy for people to put their foot in the mouth regularly, not regret and do it again ;)
Also, this makes me great with the painfully shy ones. They’d stare at my question.. then answer it anyways.. coz the answer is expected. Thats another thing. People usually do things you ask of them, if they believe, it is the expected things to do..
I am not always without remorse. sometimes I do feel like I over stepped it.. but I find people usually do not mind it much. May be if you do not have anything to hide, you dont care.
Secretly, I wish someone would cross my boundaries too… but often when people do, I respond with anger. I dont know why.. I want my boundaries overstepped yet dont want them to. I guess thats how it is for most people ?
Acknowledgement. This is what we need the most in our life. Be it relationship or work. We are the practical ones. We understand that it is not possible for us to get appreciation , well deserved at that, all the time, but acknowledgement shouldnt be all that hard is it ?
I am at a stage in life where relationships have taken a back seat, how much ever I try not to, it is hard for me to sustain relationships ( Frankly I dont want to try all that much either ) . So all my emotions are attached to my work. I know it is not healthy and that I should not expect anything from my job.. other than money… but it is hard to disassociate sometimes.
I pride in working hard and maintaining a certain level of customer satisfaction. It comes easy to me. It is as if my job profile is tailor made for me. I love challenges. I have an analytical and methodical mind when it comes to troubleshooting. ( My life is utter unorganized mess otherwise) and I am good at communicating. A mix of this and my natural flair for imaginative solution, makes it easy for me to provide customer satisfaction. In short, I am very good at what I do.
And this is also a problem. Since I am so good at what I do, any criticism implied or otherwise gets my heckles raised. I hate to be criticized as far as my performance is concerned. I am also quite egoistic ( and vain ;) ) so…. I am in a pickle as in what to do. Easiest solution would be to jump ship and frankly I am quite inclined to do that.. but since I am also quite egoistic , I want to prove a point before I leave. This is dangerous. I have finally broken the habit of compulsively working, after a lot of hard work and I do not want to start again * ughghhg*
Any how, I wish I get more acknowledgement from work ..
This is my desperate attempt to blog regularly as I used to. Also, a part of A to Z challenge thats doing rounds on Facebook :)