Sustained happiness is too much work, I’d settle for a few euphoric few moments interspersed between indifference.
Year so far has been a bag full of experiences, gamut of feelings etc.. . There have been some wonderful highs, some terribles lows and the in betweens have been more than average. I got what I wanted professionally. Very satisfying. I have done some serious time crunching, oh so tediously busy, but so very satisfying work that even my Capricornian tendencies have been assuaged.
Travel has been the highlight of this year, like the last one. A music festival, a visit to the north eastern tip, a bird sanctuary , more than a couple of different weddings. All in all so diverse!
Relationships this year, has not been very stable but some how I don’t really have a lot of complaints. One of the things that always bothered me was my inability to let go. My need to appear strong and my deep seated insecurity of being rejected has always made me seem aloof and a tad bit arrogant. I am happy to say this year has taught me to let go a bit more than before. I have been a bit ( a lot) more open with my vulnerabilities and quite secure in my place in this world.
There has been a huge purge in the number of people in my life. Some of them I didn’t want to let go, some did not deserve it but for many it was needed. The people who survived this purge are far more dearer than before. For they value add my life and I appreciate them far better than before.
I have plans for my life for the first time and I believe I’ll follow them through. I have never felt that before. I have always known that I’ll screw up my plans and I have. This year too, was not different in that respect still I am very hopeful for days to come.
There are things, decisions that I have taken and some that were thrust upon me, that weigh heavily on my heart, but there is still a smile plastered on my face and a twinkle in my eye. I guess that’s what growing up is all about. Its when you know what to accept and move one and what to mourn.
All in all, its been a year of growth. What else can one expect from life ?
Que sera sera !
Some things in life has to be rationed. I hate knowing that they are at their end. Like my favorite poet. I have not completed his collections of poems yet. I entice myself by reading a few lines every few days. Like a certain person, I let myself remember every few weeks. And a certain place, I almost never let myself remember.
Somethings in life, are most dangerous.
One of the smaller joys in the world is, playing hookey in office and blogging. One the pleasures that I havent indulged in a very long time. However, after such a wonderful weekend with many a madcap bloggers ( that is a compliment!) it is imperative that I give my veritably dead blog a boost. I have been really lax in doing that though.
A very wise person told me ( you know who you are..) that I should capture all my memories while I can ( before they fade away into hazy wholesomeness ).
I got the final push when the following two ladies decided to string them memories into words ( and images) : Shail & How do you know , thanks for your awesome words!
Predictably, it all started with an innocuous email and my instant response was.. YES!! whenever.. wherever… and then a long long silence :-) In between, Tawang happened ( which was so wonderful that I am still sinking some of the memories in… which might end up in may be more than one post.. later) and I was so broke that I was reconsidering my decision about the bloggers meet. In between, many were dropping out. I hardly know anyone I reasoned. I dont blog anymore. Things are too complicated. I am nearly broke. I am serving my notice period. I dont have any offers in hand etc etc… but as it always is.. there was only one reason to go. I WANTED TO.
That did not mean that things got easy for me. No sirry! There was a problem of vacation ( in notice period!! ) which was somehow managed. Manager had a baby and was out of office. I was second in command. This needed a lot of dicey handling . This prevarication went about until a week before the trip. Then followed the hazy handle everything before the trip craze which I wont bore you with. I would however say this. I packed my bag the day I left for Chandigarh. The clothes were picked out and washed a day before. After a series of really hot days, providence chose that night to rain. ( and drench all my clothes.. much to my dismay !)
When I reached home, I found my sister struggling hard to iron each and every of the clothes I planned to carry on the trip ( God bless her ). Why we didnt use the drier in the washing machine is something we both couldn’t figure out ( in hind sight) . So, with a bag full of half dried clothes and with fervent prayer that they wont stink before I reach Chandigarh, I set out for catching the plane ( which was thankfully uneventful!) May I mention that I had not slept for two days ? By the time I reached Chandigarh, all I could think of was BED..
So, I reached the hotel. Checked in. Emptied all of my clothes, hung them on various places and put the fan to max. Then I took a really long shower. ( Bliss!!) Once half my clothes were dry, I decided to pack them back in ( After all I was sharing the room with someone else and I didnt want to look messy )
When I was just about to hit the bed, I got a call… from someone inviting over to her room. I debated with myself. Should I go or should I rest ? But traveling with people I know nothing about ( since I haven’t even read their blog.. ) seemed very daunting. So, off I went and was I glad that I did.
Aathira, Indrani & I, were all from Bangalore but hadn’t known each other or seen each other’s blog and yet.. there was such an instant bonhomie that it surprised me. We chatted up amicably until Nupur and Roshi joined us.. by then we were like old friends.. chatting, laughing and posing of course! Somewhere in the late evening rest of the crowd trickled in.. with three little imps who had so much energy and no time for the old fogies. They pretty much ran through all the nooks that could be found in the cramped space of the hotel.
We were to go to dinner in an hour. While waiting for others to show up, I promptly went to sleep. I was told later that I gave all of them a little bit of scare. ( Well worried enough for Hitchy to have returned to the hotel from the restaurant and reach my room. ) which promptly made me a butt of all their jokes all through the dinner ( now please crack from butt jokes here ) . After an elaborate dinner we went in search of ice cream which sadly I did not get to eat even @ the end of the trip ( someone please gimme some ice cream the next time y’all meet me.. for we will meet again no ? )
As it happened I had the room for myself for the rest of the night. My clothes thanks you all my fellow travelers!
Thus, fortified with good humor , we all started out in the morning.
Draft from May 27th. I wonder why I never completed this post.
One of these days I would forget to remember you. But not yet.
Draft from August 15th
Although there has not been a major change in the vital stats of my life, this past two years has been a whirlwind of moments. Some changed me, some I wish I can change. Some made me think some makes me wonder what was I thinking ?
Some moments I am proud of, some quite happy.
In some ways,I feel so different than I was . I am now, less confused, more sure about who I am and what I want but in some ways I find my self so contradictory. It feels like life happens to me only in retrospect. In many ways though, I have been more happy then not.
My relationship with my sister has been so tempestuous, for lack of better words, that I’ve feared for my sanity and her’s more often than I’d like.
On an personal level, my single status has stuck to me for such a long time that it has stopped bothering me. I no longer look for a “potential” mate like I used to in every man I meet. And frankly this has been so liberating. As a consequence, I have stopped meeting a lot of people too.
I have started enjoying my own company a lot. Actually scratch that. Staying in Delhi for a week, seemingly alone almost made me pull my hair, just for fun. I am not meant to be alone. I am meant to be aloof and yet graciously deem to spend my time with minions ( yes I am that arrogant in my thoughts. What do you expect I am Meanie after all! )
Introspection used to be one of my favorite past time after reading both of which I have sacrificed on the altar of career. With no regrets though. With out my work, what would I be ?
Friendships that I held on to as life supports have slipped up ( down? ). I can see the threads fraying but I dont know how to keep them together. I feel like I play yo yo between my vulnerabilities, my need to appear strong and uncaring and ACTUALLY caring. It is not a good place to be. How do you determine when enough is enough ?
On the other hand, there are these beautiful relationships that I feel I never gave its due that I appreciate more now and value for they have been quite undemanding and yet so fulfilling.
Travel has enriched my life so much this past one year and has broadened my horizons. I can now see paths that I never considered before and feel the itch to follow. Things that seemed so risky and scary before , I now think of, as a real possibility. This is an achievement that am secretly ( now openly) proud of.
I have been told that I am now a bit less judgmental and a bit more easier to be with, I am glad.
One of the hardest things in life is to stare at your failings and to accept them. Denial is a sweet nectar that gives you diabetes at end of the day and am glad that I, more often than not , dont indulge in it. ( Self pity I still do !!)
Sadly though, I have realized that I am going to be one of those old crones who never know when to shut up! One would think that after so much verbiage both online and offline, I’d be tired of chattering. But no, I can never stop. Earlier at least, the conversations were interesting but nowadays! In fact just this week, I earned the dubious distinction of making a guy sleep while in a phone conversation with me… not once, not twice but THRICE! In ONE WEEK
Nothing is more humility inducing, and eye opening than that. Once upon a time, people used to line up to have conversations with me!!!
People do find me amusing travel partner. Thats a relief!
Oh and friends have been getting married, left , right and center and if that was not enough many are popping up babies as if there’s no tomorrow. This freaks me out.
I am going to be 30 in a few weeks and I cant imagine how time just flew by. I dont feel thirty. I dont feel grown up. I still feel like am very childish , immature and gawky.
Issues like health, future, having a car, a flat and taking care of “myself” have started to haunt me.
Responsibilities have knocked my door and whether I want them or not, they are here to stay.
So how do I end this post ? I started with no clear directions and now I dont know where to end. Well I guess this is as good as any place.
Here’s me trying yet again to start blogging . Writing things down was once a compulsion that petered down to random lines here and there. After a really long time I felt that compulsion again. Today was different in many ways.
I spent a lovely evening with a friend and my sister, hogging on street food.
We made an impromptu decision to visit a near by beach town , compulsively convinced my sister to tag along and then promptly dropped the idea ( I am disappointed )
Had a hot discussion on why Modi is our best bet and how we collectively hate all politicians
Had a fleeting thought about how not being religious some how depresses me over festivals. I feel no connection and I hate myself for it.
Sister spouted some home truths that made me feel even more dissatisfied with myself.
I persistently think that god made me and then broke the mould in despair. I mean – why can I not have a single response that matches with the people I usually hang around with, when it comes to social niceties et al.
I created this amazing blog post in my mind about waiting. And how I feel that I have waited for life to jump start for such a long time that I have missed the fact that it has already jump started and I am reeling in consequence. But of course I lost the gist of it while I attempted to write. It always sounds better in my head.
I started reading Krishna’s Key again on a whim. It makes me want to read all the Upanishads and Vedas. May be I should take up learning Sanskrit. My neighbor teaches it .
Found David Attenbourgh’s videos so entertaining and longing inducing. I want to get lost in some unexplored land or live with some people wherein I dont know their language and I have to survive on wits alone. Wouldn’t that be something ??
Just read a quote on Facebook about writers are desperate people and may be thats why I have stopped writing. I am not desperate any more ? ( To be honest this quote triggered my writing)
May be I dont want to stop being desperate ?
Ever feel that all that you write is a dribble and you much rather not ? Thats whats happening to me.
Sometimes all it takes is few old friends and the world seems a better place
Sometimes I am glad that there aren’t any photographs to linger over, to ruminate ( isn’t this an interesting word.. with the word Rumi in it? )
Some times I wish there was at least one.
Then may be I would not feel
this incessant need
ALL of them!