Next time.

Next time, we will meet under the tree shade, by the river stream, hidden behind the boulders. For a moment or two, we will be hidden from the World.

Next time, when we first those forgotten parks and share our first kiss, i wont run. I will sink into your arms and feel cherished

Next time…..

When you whisper sweet nothings in my ears, i would read between the lines and flee.

Next time, when you take me to that temple and list out reasons for why we cannot be, i would heed your reasons and let you go. Never would i cry in your arms begging you to stay.

Perhaps there would be no next time

Decade

While browsing through my photo archive for creating a collage, i ended up looking at photos from a decade ago… And suddenly it hit me! The people i had so much fun with and went on countless trips with, are no longer in touch with me. For some, i dont even have their contact information!

How easy it is to stay in touch with people in this age of technology and yet so difficult! When was the last time you called someone just for a casual chat? I don’t remember the last time!

Have you noticed how things have changed for you in the last decade?

What’s the biggest change you see in your self?

Promise

It all starts with a promise. Such possibilities that you are blinded.
Blinded by dreams, with such vivid and lively colors, that you cannot
see . The future thats actually is in hold for you. All you can feel
is hope and a promise. A promise that you made yourself. Of such a
glorious future, wherein, someone loves you for what you are, beyond
the things that dont really matter,

And then you die, little by little, every day, as and when the dreams
crash. You always remake them. Though the effort of it all, makes you
hollower and hollower by the day.. or should i say.. by the night? you
assume all this would be worth it, for in the end you shall find the
ONE. The one person who would fill all the holes with joy and
Loveeeeee…

And so you die, little by little. Break them defenses and them walls
until the tide of feelings find no respite and then they flow in all
directions, directionless, meaninglessly. And so you die, little by
little.

Miss you

Its not that I miss you. You have to trust me when I say that I dont.
For I really dont. Not because we didnt have interesting
conversations, we did. But from where i come, conversation is dime
a dozen. No offence meant. It wasnt because we didnt have fun or did..
I couldnt be bothered with the sentence construction here. You’d
understand what I mean. Or I think you’d anyways. We did have a
glorious time.

Its not the sex I miss, though it was wonderful, even though it
wasn’t, all that. You know what I mean. We giggled, we laughed. We
found some new things, some old. We played, we enmeshed, but what I
remember the most, miss the most is the warmth. It seeped through my
curled toes and spread, just about everywhere. It is that I miss. And
the feel of your palms. So comforting, ever so warm, ever so present,
all these days. I feel like holding, just about anyone’s hands, if it
would feel the same, but it won’t.

I dont think of you in my waking hours. Not much anyways. I dont dream
of you at nights. Never featured there anyways. But the moment before
I fall asleep, I miss the feel of you lying next to me. I miss the
feel of your forehead, right above your eyebrows and right after the
hairline, you know the one I usually caress and say how soft you are?
well I miss that. And I miss pokey of course, and squishy and squashy
but mostly , I miss the warmth. Your breath on the back of my nape, so
urgent, so laboured.

And the cold.. of your feet, lingering on mine. Damn I miss all that.
I dont miss you as such.. but I miss the feel of you.

And if I let myself, I miss the embrace, the almost involuntary,
unconscious hug, that you didnt even realize and which kinda make me
hold my heart in my throat so to speak, i miss that.

Ah who am i kidding anyways? I miss you!

you affect me.

In ways that I cant explain cause I myself dont understand. I feel surge in my veins and sheer immobility all at the same time.

You affect me but I dont have words to verbalize even if I try to, many times.

Objectively, I dont find you any different from others that Ive met before or since. I dont see you with rose tinted eyes or anything. And yet, I know I’d cross mountains and seas if you ask of me. How ridiculous is that ! Even more ridiculous is my need to keep this from you.

Not letting you know that I shattered and have not been same ever since. That some days, I dont recognize myself and catch myself with thoughts that make me ashamed of myself. I am not that weak, emotional mess that I find myself to be.

I thought, despite everything, I can be friends but it is so fucking hard! But this need, to be close to you, far enough to not cause you any distress or harm, but close enough to be there or you, if you wish so, in any capacity. How absurd is that ?

And despite all, to act as if, everything is okay. That my heart doesnt break in thousand pieces.

Did you know that I didnt sleep all night, in anticipation of our meet and the following night, the whirlpool of emotions didnt let me sleep either. Three days hence, I am still putting myself together. When did I become the tragic heroine of yesteryear’s hindi movie ?

Oh the ways you affect me! When I touched your cheek, I wanted to touch you again but I couldnt let myself go down that rabbit hole. So I beamed at you mischievously and turned the conversation to inane topics. Oh the ebbs and flow of my achy breaky heart.

I can never let you know.

In so many ways you affect me.

 

 

Unreasonableness

I don’t know why but i have a pattern when it comes to men in my life. This concerns me and hence, i have sworn off men for sometime now. Having said that, recently i relapsed. Not completely. It’s in the grey area.

However, this relapse has made me loose my moral high ground. Although, i cannot claim relationship rights, i am unable to enforce friendship norms either. I do not want to distance myself as currently, you can say “he” is my only friend that am in touch with….

In short am in a pickle. Specifically, morally i cannot justify the anger i feel and i cant help feel what i feel

Am i not already  too old for this teenage drama ??

Inane confessions

— I secretly read a newsletter that my friend posts weekly but i never comment on it.

— Although i am happy to have removed few people from my life, i find myself wondering, if they think about me & what.

— i am lonely to the point that i am considering going on a tinder date

— i havent smsed anyone in years & phone conversation has been week ago. Whatsapp et al, even that, has been more than 15 days. This quietude is not by choice, it’s a habit I’ve developed this past year

— book reading has been an all time low. Don’t feel like reading anymore

Disclaimer: i am not sad… Just lethargic. Or may be it’s sign of our times… Communication is at all time low

Forward maadi!

It is interesting how my thought process has changed over the years. The outpouring of emotions has given way to measured response. The need for attention to quiet acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, i am still not a wall flower, but that need to declare to the world — this is me. My opinions, my ideas, my thoughts, i dont mind if i dont share it with anyone. I guess that’s majorly why, i dont feel the need to write as much as before. My story ideas too seem to have taken a much realistic but darker tone.

 

The other day, i envisioned a totally conformist society with extreme punishment with emphasis on accountability on everyone and little privacy. Government elected from the beaurocrats by customer satisfaction survey and crime of a person implicates ones family and locality & the local government. So everyone is motivated to do better & force others to be better.  And while I was fleshing up the details, i could imagine how suffocating this could be, so i came up these ideas

–> those naturally conformist stayed in the country & ppl who want to lead would go to other countries to join their government, a shadow government of sorts

–> this society is made only for 3 generations aka 300 years. Eventually things should dissolve

–> it probably would be a freewill community i.e, if you want to live in this country, you follow the rules.  You can leave anytime you like.

I can see how watching too many C dramas have affected my way of thinking!

 

But then i thought, it would be wonderful if someone would write stories based on this world.

 

I thought we can come up with interdimensional portals where people disappear overnight or how corruption destroys / defies this accountability checksum

Good people who support this totalitarian regime. It would be interesting to see someone defend this with rational arguments.

 

If you are wondering why don’t I write it, well, i am not that good with emotions anymore

Questions

Dear you,

Did you dream of me yesterday when you slept? Or may be you stayed up thinking about me. I did. Stay up thinking about you I mean.

The things I want to ask you uff! How many times in these last years did you think of me.?

What were your thoughts? I want to delve into each word you say. I want to touch that cheek of yours with the back of my hand just like I did so many years ago and ask how do you feel now? How did you feel then?

That movie that you liked so much, did you imagine me as the heroine or someone else?

If it was me, how would you respond, if I reached out and kissed you? Would I be able able to contain this tempestuous heart then?

I want to ask, where did you disappear when you ghosted me all those years ago.

And more importantly, did you really love me then? Or do you still love me for a bit? Just in that rainy moment, listening to your favourite song in my favourite car? Did you feel a miniscule of what I feel?

My love, where do I find the courage to ask all these and more?

So I sing along the music and look out of the window, in this rainy beautiful night.

Silently,

Abysmally yours,

Winnie

 

Hmm…

There’s a scream within me that wants to get out but dies before it reaches my lips. I try and hold it in but how do you hold tempest in a sigh?

There’s a dream lost in whirlwinds of time that wanted to find a way home but I woke up before it could. I try and sleep it out but how do you seek direction in a mirage?