Eclipsed

Some days, you really want to be eclipsed. Wouldnt it be wonderful to just escape from all that is and hide for a moment or two so that  you could collect yourself before you face whatever it is that you have to face.

Some days, you simply have to deal with the fact that you are no sun ( or moon) *sigh*

Conversations

I have been fortunate to have a lot of interesting people in my life. They keep me entertained, challenge my perceptions and most often teach me humility. 

Long conversations that span days

Witty ones that keep me smiling at odd times.

Short conversations that make me think..

But often I end up having interrupted conversations. Things left unsaid, for some reason or another. Thoughts left unexpressed may be because there isnt enough clarity or not enough time. These conversations are more dear to me. Its like that mysterious door I pass by but never enter.

If I ever finish that conversation, I would have nothing to look forward to!

Boundaries

I have trouble with boundaries. Somehow, I am very protective of mine but I pretty much cross the line when it comes to others. I am one of those nosy strangers who would ask uncomfortable questions and expect it answered as if its nothing. It is also a gift. It is not easy for people to put their foot in the mouth regularly, not regret and do it again ;)

Also, this makes me great with the painfully shy ones. They’d stare at my question.. then answer it anyways.. coz the answer is expected. Thats another thing. People usually do things you ask of them, if they believe, it is the expected things to do..

I am not always without remorse. sometimes I do feel like I over stepped it.. but I find people usually do not mind it much. May be if you do not have anything to hide, you dont care.

Secretly, I wish someone would cross my boundaries too… but often when people do, I respond with anger. I dont know why.. I want my boundaries overstepped yet dont want them to. I guess thats how it is for most people ?

Acknowledgement.

Acknowledgement. This is what we need the most in our life. Be it relationship or work. We are the practical ones. We understand that it is not possible for us to get appreciation , well deserved at that, all the time, but acknowledgement shouldnt be all that hard is it ?

I am at a stage in life where relationships have taken a back seat, how much ever I try not to, it is hard for me to sustain relationships ( Frankly I dont want to try all that much either ) . So all my emotions are attached to my work. I know it is not healthy and that I should not expect anything from my job.. other than money… but it is hard to disassociate sometimes.

I pride in working hard and maintaining a certain level of customer satisfaction. It comes easy to me. It is as if my job profile is tailor made for me. I love challenges. I have an analytical and methodical mind when it comes to troubleshooting. ( My life is utter unorganized mess otherwise) and I am good at communicating. A mix of this and my natural flair for imaginative solution, makes it easy for me to provide customer satisfaction. In short, I am very good at what I do.

And this is also a problem. Since I am so good at what I do, any criticism implied or otherwise gets my heckles raised. I hate to be criticized as far as my performance is concerned. I am also quite egoistic ( and vain ;) ) so…. I am in a pickle as in what to do. Easiest solution would be to jump ship and frankly I am quite inclined to do that.. but since I am also quite egoistic , I want to prove a point before I leave. This is dangerous. I have finally broken the habit of compulsively working, after a lot of hard work and I do not want to start again * ughghhg*

Any how, I wish I get more acknowledgement from work ..

P.S

This is my desperate attempt to blog regularly as I used to. Also, a part of A to Z challenge thats doing rounds on Facebook :)

Year so far

Year so far has been a bag full of experiences, gamut of feelings etc.. . There have been some wonderful highs,  some terribles lows and the in betweens have been  more than average.  I got what I wanted professionally. Very satisfying. I have done some serious time crunching, oh so tediously busy, but  so very satisfying work that even my Capricornian tendencies have been assuaged.

Travel has been the highlight of this year, like the last one. A music festival, a visit to the north eastern tip, a bird sanctuary , more than a couple of different weddings. All in all so diverse!

Relationships this year, has  not been very stable but some how I don’t really have a lot of complaints. One of the things that always bothered me was my inability to let go. My need to appear strong and my deep seated insecurity of being rejected has always made me seem aloof and a tad bit arrogant. I am happy to say this year has taught me to let go a bit more than before. I have been a bit ( a lot) more open with my vulnerabilities and quite secure in my place in this world.

There has been a huge purge in the number of people in my life. Some of them I didn’t want to let go, some did not deserve it but for many it was needed. The people who survived this purge are far more dearer than before. For they value add my life and I appreciate them far better than before.

I have plans for my life for the first time and I believe I’ll follow them through. I have never felt that before. I have always known that I’ll screw up my plans and I have. This year too, was not different in that respect still I am very hopeful for days to come.

There are things, decisions that I have taken and some that were thrust upon me, that weigh heavily on my heart, but there is still a smile plastered on my face and a twinkle  in my eye. I guess that’s what growing up is all about. Its when you know what to accept and move one and what to mourn.

All in all, its been a year of growth. What else can one expect from life ?

Que sera sera !